Best of 2018’s Week 39

September 20th
Unconditional love

Unconditional love is not so much about how we receive and endure each other, as it is about the Deep vow to never, under any condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who we are to each other.

Mark Nepo
The Book of Awakening

I’m sick this morning. Woke up with stomach cramps, and exhausted. Again. Perhaps kombucha is not my friend?

I spent most of the night tossing and turning, restlessly dreaming of C. I don’t know how to be close with people that care and love me. I now keep friends and family at arm’s length in a way I’ve never before. Am I afraid to hurt someone? Am I afraid to hurt?

Missing sex. Not knowing how to initiate it or even if I should. Knowing where my heart seems stuck, would I be cheating on C? Am I cheating on myself? Am I betraying my heart? Is it just using good people?

As I sit here and watch the night turn once again to the day I grieve the loss of another morning with you…the loss of another day.

How much longer must I grieve this loss alone and in the silence…I remind myself over and over I’m entitled to nothing: not answers, not a conversation, not forgiveness or consideration. However, I know I do not deserve the cruelty either and I try to ignore the silence, splitters, and monkeys…but it tears open old wounds.

I believe you know that too. Am I wrong?

I know who I am. I also know who you are. I know what is mine. I know what is yours. I know there is more than one kind of betrayal. Yet, my soft heart absorbs blow after blow and though bruised, the heart’s bond will not break.

Two things remain yet to be done. I drag my feet and hold onto a foolish hope. I’ve done what I can. I know there is nothing more to do.

I am dead to you. Our history deleted by grief and anger and rage and fear and monkeys and splitters and vengeance.

I’m just a ghost story now.

Here are the people, places, and things that carry me forward through the day as I trudge the road of happy destiny.