I’m learning, pain by pain and tension by tension, that after all my strategies fail, the strength of love waits in receiving and not negotiating; in accepting each other and not problem-solving each other; in listening and affirming each other, not trying to change or fix those we love.
The Book of Awakening
Between the two of them – and some others – I have come to see more clearly what I need to offer C and be less concerned about what I think or feel I need from her. By doing this I’m taking a risk, facing uncertainty, and being emotionally open.
It is probable that C will simply strike out and cut me again. She responds to every outreach with anger and resentment. My willingness to be vulnerable to her changes nothing. I don’t deserve her forgiveness, compassion, consideration, or a conversation. I deserve nothing…but that isn’t the point.
Just as I cannot make her speak to me, she cannot make me stop loving her and trying. She may be gone but my heart still rests in her hands. No amount of mental gymnastics or psychology is going to change how I feel. I’ll take it back in fits and starts but my heart always wanders back to her.
My heart is a jerk. There is no switch for grieving and moving on. My relationship mattered to me. It will happen in time. My behavior devastates both of us. All I can do is rebuild my life brick by brick with or without her.
However, regardless of what she does the vulnerability benefits me. She can turn my heart into paint pigment or grind it into cat food but I gave it to her to do with as she wishes. That includes freezing it out of her life. I will always love her intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. That is just as true today as it was when I gave my heart to her. I am the most vulnerable I have ever been to anyone in my life with her. I don’t believe it will ever be enough for her, but I’ve found strength and power in my vulnerability. I will not surrender it again to shame, pride, and empty bravado.
I live in a silo and am blind to so much about life more vulnerability, not less is helping me live it more fully.
I see more clearly that as I’ve tried to focus more on vulnerability, and less on reconcilliation and forgiveness, I’m discovering a side of me so well hidden I didn’t even know it existed. I’ve always been an explorer and wanderer. I dreamed I’d be spending the rest of my life exploring and wandering with C. That isn’t what happened for reasons any reader of my story already knows.
Maybe what is really happening is I am going to explore and wander through the lessons of my life with C and not with C. We will have to wait and see how the story ends. Meanwhile, I will live forward with intention.
Below is an excellent journal on the power of vulnerability and the meaning of forgiveness. Read Walking the Journey ‘s story by clicking the links below.
He Wants Forgiveness
He wants forgiveness for the affair. But what does that mean?