02: Negotiating the Storm

I used to think that if I were “mature” enough or “good” enough, I could keep the world from burning. I traded marriages, jobs, and my own sense of self just to belong. But C-PTSD doesn’t give you a seat at the table; it just keeps you in a defensive crouch. This post is about my shift toward a new kind of honesty: judging people by what they do, not what they say. Because at the end of the day, impact trumps intention every time.

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02: Auditing My Life

Regardless of how you experience the intention and impact of infidelity, we all are manipulated by the stories, expectations, promises, ideals, traumas, and fears we bring to the experience. We are the fictional Everyman seeking to protect the imagined safety of the stories, even as the stories eat up our lives. 

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69: Thinking of You

Pain is not the enemy but the light over the path to growth. Despite the chaos, I am grateful to Painter for opening the door to this life and this experience. I continue to love her from afar and want the best for her.

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19: Opinions

Today I recognize my choices for what they were—an unfortunate and unskillful habit of treating how I felt like a directive. I realize how often, in intimate and vulnerable relationships, I responded with a habituated neurological urge to pursue what I considered comfortable feelings while avoiding the discomfort.

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18: Sex.

There are places I remain frozen in the past.

An outcome of my marriage and the last several relationships is I feel as if I am sexually wrecked. I feel frozen between desire and doubt, analysis and paralysis, ambition and silence

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