37: April 22

I’m going to be in The City of Bridges next week. While in Pittsburgh every bridge will be a reminder of where I am heading next. It will serve as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going. I’m finished pursuing forgiveness, acceptance, or love, regardless of what my broken heart wants.

36: Cleaning out the wound

“What is most healing about bearing witness to things exactly as they are, including my own part in my pain, is that when the voice of the pain fits the pain, there is no room for Distortion or Illusion. And this way, truth becomes a clean bandage that heals, keeping dirt out of the wound.” – Mark Nepo

35.3: No More Mixed Messages: The Benefit of Hindsight (Part III)

Reading post after post about what happens post-discovery almost no one acts well. Everything in this situation is ugly. I made it uglier.

35.1: No More Mixed Messages: I Love You, Go Away (Part I)

On a shallow level, I believe C is ending the relationship because of my infidelity and secrets. However, at my core? At my core, I believe C is ending the relationship because I am not worthy of being loved.

That is an emotionally messed up way of interacting with the people that love you.

34: You Asked, I'll Try to Answer

“We do not see things as they are,” wrote Anaïs Nin, “we see them as we are.” And so it is when contemplating and discussing my infidelity and betrayal with those closest to me.

33: Thought on the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic (Part 2)

I’m not pursuing approval, forgiveness, acceptance or understanding. I’m pursuing my life.

30: A Novel Idea

I want you to be happy and successful. I want you to find the Partner you deserve, need and want. If you can’t talk to me like you love me, would you try to talk about me like I’m someone you loved once and loved you?

29: Distractions

Recently, I let unqualified, biased and angry people with self-serving goals get in my head and turn the screws yesterday. I made a mistake and it bit me in the ass. I allowed myself to be distracted and ended up with other people defining me with more misguided armchair psychology. Clearly, mistakes are for other […]

28: 70 Days, 3 Lessons

Three lessons on infidelity: 1.) I’m not a victim 2.) Secrets Suck 3.) Friendship and Ghost Stories

25: Mixed Messages

Ruminations are the shallowest of thoughts. There is nothing insightful found in blaming, anger, and resentment. They lead to nothing but bitterness and cynicism. Power and self-respect are not found there.