42: Reset

Since this began I’ve made two commitments to myself. First of all, no more secrets. Secondly, I’d respect C’s personal space. This past weekend I broke the latter commitment and as a result created a secret.

41: Projecting Pain

I followed her to learn but you cannot learn from the perpetually righteous and angry.

40: Reflections at 100 Days

I’ve learned a lot about how people respond to betrayal and secret keeping.

Here is the bottom line: Love and stay. Love and leave. There is no wrong answer.

Regardless, love yourself.

39: My Ugly

I’ve asked her to accept and love me despite my ugly. I am committed to providing her the same acceptance and compassion. I can do this whether she loves me or not. Acting lovingly does not require anyone’s consent or approval.

The reality is at this point in my grieving process, I recognize there is no such thing as a moral high ground.

39: My Ugly

The reality is at this point in my grieving process, I recognize there is no such thing as a moral high ground.

37: April 22

I’m going to be in The City of Bridges next week. While in Pittsburgh every bridge will be a reminder of where I am heading next. It will serve as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going. I’m finished pursuing forgiveness, acceptance, or love, regardless of what my broken heart wants.

36: Cleaning out the wound

“What is most healing about bearing witness to things exactly as they are, including my own part in my pain, is that when the voice of the pain fits the pain, there is no room for Distortion or Illusion. And this way, truth becomes a clean bandage that heals, keeping dirt out of the wound.” – Mark Nepo

35.3: No More Mixed Messages: The Benefit of Hindsight (Part III)

Reading post after post about what happens post-discovery almost no one acts well. Everything in this situation is ugly. I made it uglier.

35.2: No More Mixed Messages: Breaking Patterns (Part II)

The meaning and lessons of my infidelity are not black and white. The post-infidelity choices are not black and white. The pain is not black and white. The solutions are not black and white.

35.1: No More Mixed Messages: I Love You, Go Away (Part I)

On a shallow level, I believe C is ending the relationship because of my infidelity and secrets. However, at my core? At my core, I believe C is ending the relationship because I am not worthy of being loved.

That is an emotionally messed up way of interacting with the people that love you.