02: Negotiating the Storm

I used to think that if I were “mature” enough or “good” enough, I could keep the world from burning. I traded marriages, jobs, and my own sense of self just to belong. But C-PTSD doesn’t give you a seat at the table; it just keeps you in a defensive crouch. This post is about my shift toward a new kind of honesty: judging people by what they do, not what they say. Because at the end of the day, impact trumps intention every time.

01: The Gun and the Garden: Reclaiming the Definition of Love

“Love and abuse cannot coexist.” — bell hooks

06: Distancers and the Silent Treatment (Part 1)

As I recently was reminded, we sometimes have to re-experience the pattern to know we’re outgrowing it…

02: Auditing My Life

Regardless of how you experience the intention and impact of infidelity, we all are manipulated by the stories, expectations, promises, ideals, traumas, and fears we bring to the experience. We are the fictional Everyman seeking to protect the imagined safety of the stories, even as the stories eat up our lives.

71: Now What?

I did what I did. Beatrix did what she did. Painter did what she did. Pretty monkeys are gonna fly. We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are ― Anaïs Nin There isn’t much to add at this point. We each have our own reasons, stories, and imaginings about the […]

61: Relational Blackjack

I was never confused about Painter’s decision to end the relationship. Although I was hurt and sad, I was never confused. I understood.

59: Thoughts on Kindness and Toxicity

Painter is unsafe and dangerous for me because I struggle to see her for what she does. I sometimes forget how skillful — and willing — she is at getting other people to carry her water.

46: Stories of Safety

Nothing I do or say will create a sense of safety for people avoiding their own traumas. I cannot love someone enough to heal the wounds they are trying to avoid.

38: Courting Answers

Monday, I return to court for the final act. Well, at least I intend it to be the final act.

34: Trauma Stories

Everyone, and I mean everyone, will disconnect from their thinking brain when the pain exceeds their ability to cope. The only difference is what overwhelms me won’t always overwhelm you.