42: Reset

Since this began I’ve made two commitments to myself. First of all, no more secrets. Secondly, I’d respect C’s personal space. This past weekend I broke the latter commitment and as a result created a secret.

35.3: No More Mixed Messages: The Benefit of Hindsight (Part III)

Reading post after post about what happens post-discovery almost no one acts well. Everything in this situation is ugly. I made it uglier.

35.1: No More Mixed Messages: I Love You, Go Away (Part I)

On a shallow level, I believe C is ending the relationship because of my infidelity and secrets. However, at my core? At my core, I believe C is ending the relationship because I am not worthy of being loved.

That is an emotionally messed up way of interacting with the people that love you.

26: Hiding in plain site

I have to work on separating my infidelity from my identity. Separating the act from the actors. Which sounds simple but I’ve been living with this lie for a long time and to a large extent, it has been my identity. Decisions, choices, and actions were constantly influenced by a desire to keep the secret. […]

25: Mixed Messages

Ruminations are the shallowest of thoughts. There is nothing insightful found in blaming, anger, and resentment. They lead to nothing but bitterness and cynicism. Power and self-respect are not found there.

24: Chasing Rainbows

My heart breaks over and over and over. I’m an idiot. A self-sabotaging, unforgiven fool. The cold, hard, and brutal reality is, at this point, I am chasing a rainbow.

23: Getting Perspective

This is the gift of infidelity: it makes you stare into the mirror and see all the truths about yourself. Some are ugly. Some are bad. Some are good. All of them are important.

14: Thoughts on the Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act by Lisa Arends

Originally posted on Lessons From the End of a Marriage:
Being abandoned sucks. The shock alone is enough to stop your heart. And then, once it starts beating again, all you want to to is yell at your so-called partner who thought it was acceptable to simply walk away with no notice and no dialog. It…

14: Thoughts on the Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act by Lisa Arends

12: Dazed and Confused

I cannot do anything about what people think they know. Anything I say will be perceived as justification, rationalizations, or an excuse or worse yet an unhealthy denial. So for the moment I am mostly just trying to wrap my head around the consequences.

And drink my hot chocolate…