109: Blah. Blah. Blah.
Can you speak up? It’s hard to hear you with that pity dick in your mouth
Blind Al
Deadpool 2
As I said Tuesday, I’ve been in a bad emotional way all week. Three conversations helped.
Doctor (paraphrasing)
“Do you think you are the only person to have an affair? Some relationships die. Some survive. And, with the right partner, things grow. Today, right now, C choose to kill it. That is her choice, not your fault.”
…
“Everyone is susceptible to betrayal in the right situation – even people you’d think would know better like counselors, therapists, and doctors. Trying to affair-proof your relationship is a fool’s errand. You will be far happier if you focus on affair proofing yourself and keeping your expectations on your partner realistically human.”
…
“Sexual betrayal is only one kind of betrayal. No better. No worse. Just different. We make it personal.”
…
Friend #1 & 2 (a synthesis and paraphrasing of multiple phone and social media conversations)
Friend: “I know you miss C but if you had stayed imagine living with C’s silent treatment, rumormongering, and passive-aggressive revenging every day? Imagine how she’d have treated you if you were still there? You got off easy. Most people would be glad not to be there facing that fury and cruelty every day…to your credit you’d face it. Believe it or not, you’re’ actually a good person.”
Me: Blah. Blah. blah. Qualifier. Betrayal et al.
Friend: “Shut up and listen! We know what you did. It’s all you’ve breathed for nearly seven months. She deserves nothing from you. Nothing! Her hurt is no excuse for still throwing you under bus after bus for seven months. She is feeding red meat to emotionally retarded dicks. She needs to grow up. They need to grow up. At least you’re adulting.”
…
“You are making choices. C is making choices. You are both free to make new choices – and even change your minds. Try not to make impulsive ones out of hurt or fear. Those are the ones causing the most lasting damage. Impulsiveness will pass. A foolish impulsiveness is at the root of all lies and even your sleeping with K.”
…
“Sit. Breathe. Wait for the feeling or thought to pass. Then choose. Those are your boundaries.”
…
“You slept with an ex-wife and lied about it. Do you think that makes you unique? Criminal? It’s not like you raped her dog and killed her kids.”
…
Friend: “Whether you like it or not, your friend is right: C is a whiny, shallow, vain bitch. You’re adulting. She’s not. Stop blaming yourself. She’s made choices.”
Me: It’s not that simple.
Friend: “Of for fuck sake S! Stop protecting her! She hides, she’s immature, she doesn’t handle her own shit, she encourages trolling, and after seven years she cannot find a kind word or time for you.”
…
“It’s healthy to be angry with her. Stop excusing her behavior as your fault. She’s made it clear she was going to end the relationship anyway. Your betrayal is just a convenient excuse.”
…
“Okay now I’m angry with you. They’ve turned everything you’ve tried to do to reach C and make amends into a punchline and to turn your and C’s humiliations and hurt into their personal inside joke. They were never friends. Stop defending her she has plenty of her own enablers.”
…
Friend: “The betrayal was your choice. Everything she has done since she found out is her choice. If C isn’t responsible for your choices than you aren’t in anyway responsible for theirs or hers.”
Me: She’s grieving badly for the pain I inflicted on her.
Friend: “Oh please! You hurt C, the rest are being the same self-righteous, pot-stirring flying monkeys they have always been. They don’t give a shit about her, you, or even your betrayal. They are using her and she doesn’t care or she doesn’t see it. In the long run, they are doing far more damage to C than your betrayal. They enable her and keep her emotionally trapped. Fucking vampires!”
…
“Feeling angry doesn’t mean you aren’t taking responsibility, it’s a form of emotional vulnerability. It’s being human…You hurt too. You loss too. Stop pretending her feelings, hurts, losses, and anger is more important than yours.”
…
“For a relationship she claimed was so important she wasted no time kicking you out.”
…
“Name something C lost by ending the relationship. You lost your life, home, reputation, friendships, community, and the most important love of your life. She lost a chauffeur and had her pride wounded. She kept everything of material value including things you paid for. You paid her bills for months. She didn’t even have to carry her own bitterness, she got others to attack, demonize, rumor and hate-mong for her.”
…
“She has, as you say, ‘No blood on her hands.’ She won’t even own her behavior or feelings. She and her posse feel justified in everything they have done since you willingly left at her request. She’s being a baby.”
…
Even after someone told C exactly where you were over the weekend when her car was messed with she still didn’t stand up for you. She let people assume the worse.”
…
“Stop protecting her. You’re the one living out of a van for seven months. Fuck her.”
Me: Is fucking her an option because that might solve several problems?
Friend: Shut up.
…
They added, “You’ve done enough.”
Twitter Conversation
These two women, Not Your Average Girl and Alejandra, constantly help me with perspective. I haven’t seen it but several people said C never blamed me for the car break-in. It was other people implying the worse. C simply didn’t stand up for me. Which isn’t her job (wait am I defending her again?)
Those conversations are on point – I agree with your friend’s perspective. I know when you’re hurting you don’t want to hear it, but you will re-read and re-think about this and ultimately agree too rather than make excuses for C. Keep moving forward, you got this…
Thanks Dolly. It’s been a horrible week. I feel so vulnerable and silly for still caring and trying and for letting her know over and over I’m still here.
I blew it.
I hurt her. I think. Maybe. IDK.
All I’ve heard from trolls is how horrible I am but never hear from C anything resembling the truth… except more silence. Which I understand is her truth.
I try going on dates, forcing myself to find a playful spirit, and there is nothing here. I feel like a shell…numb and cold.
It’s been a shitty week…
I think I said to you before, it hasn’t really been that long, 6 or 7 months? You try and tell yourself you’re OK and moving forward, yet then you get hit with memories, Monday morning quarterbacking, remorse, loneliness and the gamut of feelings in between. It’s normal. It’s the rollercoaster we have all ridden. It will be two years in Sept since D-Day. Looking at some of my earlier posts, I can honestly say they were angry, truthful at the time, yet I don’t even recognize myself in them anymore. You will get there.
Thank Dolly. It’s been a very very hard fucking week.