51: Things I Carry – Days Go By
717 days today or 102 weeks and 3 days or 23 months and 18 days or one year, eleven months and 18 days.
15 days until the two year memorial.
However, for all intents the big reminder is Black Friday. The day after Thanksgiving.
Regardless the days go by…
I know what happened. I know it is over. I know the bell cannot be unrung. I know what matters is what I do today. I know if she wanted something different she would do something different.
I know, even if she wanted something different, her pride wouldn’t allow it. That’s what she told me.
I know the symbols that remind me of her and the insomnia waking me up at night isn’t logical.
Rational.
But what I feel is true. I can own these emotions without letting them own me. “Emotions are data, not directives,” reveals Susan David in her TedTalk. “They reveal our values.”
My feelings are pointing to what I value, and I still value the relationship and her.
I’ve going to counseling. I’m doing a huge amount of grief counseling. I’m working on the self-compassion and forgiveness. I’m focused on owning what is true.
I tell the story over and over looking to reorganized my identity through my grief.
I’m committed to seeing things as they are and not what they appeared to be.
I’m working on forgiving her. Greeting her with generosity and compassion.
Forgiving myself.
Moving on.
I drove through YoYo Town tonight. I felt the pull of her. I felt the habit of turning the wheel as I shot past the street. The window rolled down, the freezing temperatures biting my face.
I know I cannot go back. I don’t want to go back. I too want better than I gave to her. Better than I got from her.
I’m was always willing to do the work to grow with her. Build with her. Re-pair to repair.
Yet, in moments I feel demoralized because, despite all the excellent, healthy, constructive actions I have taken to embrace this new life in emotionally healthier, vulnerable, and intimate relationships, while working through my grief I remember what was possible.
As such, the “days go by, And still I think of you…”
You
You
You
You
You
You
You
You
You
You
You
Still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin
You
Leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by
And still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by
And still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
You
Still a whisper on my lips
Feeling at my fingertips
That’s pulling at my skin
You
Leave me when I’m at my worst
Feeling as if I’ve been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by
And still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Days go by
And still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Days go by
And still I think of you
Days when I couldn’t live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Without you
Days go by
Days go by
Days go by
Days go by
Days go by
Days go by
…”while working through my grief I remember what was possible.” Please, be more kind to yourself. I think you know that what you are grieving wasn’t really possible at the time. Even if we had a time machine and you could go back fully enlightened and be the best partner ever, C had her own issues and was apparently unwilling to acknowledge them or address them. That is part of the truth too. You could have been perfect and her flaws may still have caused the end of the relationship. I know it’s hard not to romanticize a bit, but try to avoid it if it holds you in grief.
Thanks BA.
I can only own what it mine, right? 😉
It will pass. None of this is even about her although her, and her monkeys, probably think it is.
As I said, I want to give better than I gave but I also want better than I got.
What Blackacre said! When we lose something, when something ends our wonderful brains paint a picture of something that wasn’t. They erase the negative things, in fact we erase the negatives when we look back. You have done so much, learned so much, even in this piece and other recent pieces you say that C had her own issues, and that you know that is not what you want. As BA said if you went back you could not stay because you have evolved, changed, are a different person. It was a hard lesson that life sent your way, but this time you have listened. It’s the time of year my friend, it’s the time of year. R❤️