Thoughts on Memories by Reconcile4Life
Here’s the thing, cheaters, the betrayed’s healing isn’t about you maintaining your centrality. Healing from cheating requires allowing the betrayed some centrality.
One of my favorite two writers are the wife and husband team at Reconciled4Life. I feel I have a great deal in common with MindlessCraft and I really appreciate TigerLily’s directness. Their writing is truly a “No Bullshit Zone.”
Today TigerLily shared an October 5, 2013 post written by Anna Fels entitled Great Betrayals and it struck home to one of the central struggles I have with the consequences of my experience: I don’t know what the reality of my relationship with C was about.
I’m not going to pump this well too deeply because I want you to read the original post. If you’ve read anything I’ve written you know my story.
SIDEBAR: I always feel like there is a need for a disclaimer: C’s decision to end the relationship makes perfect sense in light of the depth of my betrayal, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies. By ending the relationship she did the most loving thing she could for herself, me, and Us. I don’t like it but I get it. I’m entitled to nothing. Although, I would like my things back.
Anyhow, this sentence that TigerLily wrote, really jumped out at me: the “betrayed’s healing isn’t about [betrayers] maintaining [their] centrality. Healing from cheating requires allowing the betrayed some centrality.”
This
The doctor keeps reminding me, “all you can do is hold her hand – and only if she lets you.” I realize that regardless of what my xp does or doesn’t do, if I haven’t done the work necessary to reclaim my life and integrity, I can be of no use to others. Other people are not responsible for what needs to happen next. I have to put my oxygen on first and allow others the dignity of asking for help if they want it.
Only in this way can others reclaim the story of their life.
That
See my disclaimer.
Also, here is one reason why I am still struggling. While I have never shied away from owning who I am and what I did, I have no idea what the reality is of our relationship.
I, of course, know how I feel and think. I’ve gone to great length to document it for myself, C, K, my doctors, and anyone interested enough to read what I’ve written. I have a narrative that is true to my experience: C was the one, the only one, even when I wasn’t acting as such.
Narratives are not bad. They are stories of how we make sense of the world.
On the other side C has her own narrative as does K. And if you were to talk to either of them, their narratives would be different than mine. Their narratives won’t agree either. That is not unusual or wrong. It doesn’t make anyone a liar.
I use to say “perception is the reality.” It isn’t. Perception is a perception it is neither right or wrong although we like to think so.
It simply is.
I hear, although it may simply be too much Law & Order, eyewitness testimony is the least reliable because the brain gets in the way of the facts. As a man that lied and kept secrets, I know a thing or two about how that works.
And here is the point: I use to think I knew the C’s truth. I use to believe I knew the reality of how C saw me. However, with the help of others, I’ve broken down my secrets and lies, practiced new behaviors in new relationships, and started to untangle all the unskillful patterns of my life with C I’ve come to recognize that I will never know C’s truth.
I see over and over as I’ve moved away from the eye of the storm that my relationship and life with C was far more than the sum of the betrayal, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies.
As far as C goes, I’ll never know how she sees me or herself unless she talks with me and I think at this point we can all agree: that is never going to happen.
The reality is she is recovering her life and trying to make sense of it all in her own way. She is engaged, living with her fiance, and he is part of her business now.
I hate it but I get it.
And if it helps to think me as a caricature to help her heal so be it. If it helps to pretend I never existed? Well, I’m not sure how that will work in the long run.
But I’m here. I’m willing. And I’m patient. I refuse to just slink away from my life like a coward. She will always be able to find me if she is ever interested in a conversation.
I’ve got skills and I intend to practice them.
My Truth
However, where I get lost, and where I get confused is from the things I do know what happened. For example, while she was telling me she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, she was telling others I was dangerous and controlling, and emotionally involved with other men. When she would say to me I needed to take responsibility she wouldn’t tell me what that meant. While I paid bills for the two months after I left she told other people I was trying to control her with money. When I decided to stop paying for the art studio after three months she responded talking about Us and We and making decisions together. While sharing a home and a life, while planning on buying a business together, she told K she was glad to be rid of me and was planning to throw me out anyway.
And then there are the patterns over and over and over which I’m not going to rehash here…mostly because it doesn’t matter at this point.
I have to keep reminding myself every situation is different but in reality: I don’t know what is true and I never will.
As such, I have a lot of options. Here are the Top 5:
- I can throw myself on the sword: it’s all my fault
- I can throw C under the bus: nothing is my fault
- I can move on and pretend none of it matters: plenty of fish in the sea
- I can embrace the narrative that seems most true based on my perception and endeavor to embrace new skills: lean into the experience
- I can get drunk. Often.
I’ve tried #1 and #5. They are non-sustainable.
#2 is a non-starter, I know better. Trying to integrate #3 into my life led me back to K’s bed and life of secrets and lies.
The only meaningful choice is number #4. Currently, that leaves me with these truths:
- C loved me and cared for me. She is a beautiful and magnificent woman, mother, and painter.
- She has a loving, generous, and caring heart and is an asset to her community, family, and kids.
- Our relationship was powerful, beautiful, and held deep and meaningful symbolism for us as a couple and as individuals.
- In the time we shared I could not have asked for a better partner. We loved our life together.
- Our inability to discuss the difficult emotional problems we created and brought with us would have eventually broken our relationship.
- The pain of my betrayal caused her to lash out. Regardless of rumors to the contrary, she wanted to make a life with me, trusted me, loved me.
- The depth of my betrayal shattered her and our life together in a way that is non-recoverable and catastrophic for Us.
- As a mother and woman safety and stability trumps vulnerability, exploration, and experience. I’m drawn to exploration and experience. Together these values both enhanced our love and limited our lives together.
- We both struggle with vulnerability, taking risks, uncertainty, and being emotionally open.
- I hurt her deeply and how she chooses to respond to that pain is her choice. A choice I have no control or influence over.
- We are mirrors for each other. She brought unskilful patterns, old secrets, and shame to our relationship, just as I did. We chose not to address those problems while together or apart.
- We both fell into roles which we felt most comfortable adopting leading us to codependent and enabling behaviors we both lacked the willingness or skills to discuss.
- Our expectations on each other were often unfair and unreasonable.
- I miss her. I will cherish our time together and use the experience to make something better moving forward. I will honor our experience by learning better skills, confronting my shames and fears, and leaving a place in my heart for her.
- If the time and place is right I will always be open to being with her again but I will not sabotage a relationship for her.
- I loved her paintings and creativity. The passion she brought to our life, love, and bedroom changed me in fundamentally significant and heartfelt ways for the better.
- Our relationship is more than the sum of my betrayal.
- My life is more than the sum of my betrayal.
- Our life together is more than the sum of my betrayal.
- Here pain is more than the sum of my betrayal.
- She was the one, the only one; my Love of loves. I miss her.
Choose Your Truth
Elle Grant at Betrayed Wives Club and Moisy Swindell at Making this Better both discuss choosing your truth and reintegrating into their lives and memories. Worth the read if you want some additional perspectives.
We lie to ourselves you see….. by Moisy Swindell
Now I know that I have to make my mind up about what I believe to have been the truth and go with that, because I will never know the truth; and it doesn’t matter what Rich says I will never fully believe him.
We say we want the truth. Do we really? by Elle Grant
The details really didn’t matter. They didn’t change anything. My husband had cheated on me. For yrs. With many ppl. That is, really, all I needed to kno. That, and what I was going to do about it…
Your Thoughts
Please leave your thoughts below. I’ll be curious what you think.
Memories via Reconcile4Life
Here’s the thing, cheaters, the betrayed’s healing isn’t about you maintaining your centrality. Healing from cheating requires allowing the betrayed some centrality. A Betrayed’s recovery isn’t just about the fact that you have things to fix about yourself, though that is certainly a necessity for any safety to exist for the betrayed. It is also […]
Why practice for a conversation you will never have?
Can you respect you ex wife’s request to never contact her again? Did the article not highlight to you that for the betrayed spouse the trauma of infidelity changes us? That our ability to actually remember the past is harmed?
If you did read this then you should consider any discussions with the betrayer will only amplify this sense of paranoia and self doubt that the trauma created. The only solution is to retell your own story, without help, in whatever way works for you. If one must believe the picture is a circle to cope, then it’s a circle.
The article really shook me. I do look at my life and wonder what was real, what was a lie. This sense of uncertainty and doubt is unbearable. I know my kids have similar thoughts about whether or not their dad ever truly cared about them. It makes me very angry at my cheating husband. Three people damaged.
Plus him. I know he is remorseful and ashamed. My heart breaks for him too.
Anne
Hi Anne.
I will never have a conversation with her unless she starts it. For a long time I tried to let her know I cared and that I would do whatever it took. But I never showed up at her house, stalked her at work, and even the one time when I did see her I made no approach to her. I would never publicly roll up on her if I saw her out.
I will not go where I’m not wanted.
So you asked why do I practice for a conversation I will never have?
I guess I don’t see it as practicing for a conversation with her so much as digging down to the truth who I am, who we were, beyond the mythology.
And, it is a struggle to try and figure out where the line is between demonstrating to her that I was committed to her healing and owning my things to build a future together and disrespecting the boundary.
Over the first nine months I sent her a handful of books on infidelity, grieving, and recovering your heart. I completed one project I told her I would do for her last year. I moved away for 7 months. I tried to give her space. I paid the bills for a while. I took a job in Pittsburgh. I didn’t always do the most skillful job but I did the job.
I want her to be happy Anne, want her to have whatever it is she needs & wants to find peace and a place.
I cannot love her enough to turn her 💓 towards me but I can still love her… And loving her means respecting her boundaries. Loving her means knowing mine.
Sean you have been so supportive of my blog, and I think it is fair to say that through cyber space we have formed a friendship. So I am going to ask you this: when you read our blogs and our stories does it ever hurt you that c would not have that conversation with you? Does it ever make you wonder why, given all the love you had she would not give that chance?
I know I would be asking myself these questions and, as always,my questions are rhetorical. You have said about the things you have heard she said; and you are right only you can choose what is true and what to believe.
You made a mistake Sean, you have recognised that, you have worked with that, but don’t forget yourself: have that conversation with yourself, and about how that makes you feel. I hope you understand what I mean.
Moisy
Hi Moisy.
I’ve wondered from that very beginning about the why. I’ve dissected her motives 100 ways to Sunday. The reality is, this is her pattern and historically how she deals with conflict: she flees.
I am owed nothing, not reconciliation, not a conversation, not forgiveness, not clemency, and apparently not even my things back. Repeatedly, I’ve tried to make it safe for her but it isn’t about me.
I’ve been angry with myself all week and part of that is because I drifted into negative thinking about my life with C and started feeling sorry for myself and this moment in my life. It’s one of the reasons I wrote this, I know what happened, I have perspective, and I get to decide what attitude I carry forward. I’d rather be optimistic than be a bitter and morose man.
I screwed up and I own that. There had to be consequences to my choices. I own that too. Her chosing not to speak to me is her choice. How I respond is mine. I refuse to be one of those people that hurts her back simply because she hurt me. I’ve tried to accept each of her choices (regardless of her motivations) with generosity, clemency, and awareness. I work to forgive her over and over, and reading you and others helps me see her decisions from her perspective. I don’t want to carry grudges, be bitter, jealous, or resentful back just because it is easier than forgiveness and acceptance.
Specifically, to your questions:
1. It’s devastating but also I understand as completely as I think possible. I’ve said elsewhere, when I read what some of these women are going through with their partners I’m glad C and I aren’t going through that. At my core, I know, accept, believe C ending the relationship was the most loving act for her, me, and Us. I don’t resent that…it hurts but I get it…but a conversation where we both sit down and adult about it? Where we attempt a power parting, as Perel writes, is probably not going to happen. This is her way. Always has been.
2. I have my opinions as to the why part. My doctor has an opinion. My friends have an opinion. I’m not sure if I am in denial, avoidant, or simply idealistic…but they are probably more correct than I am because I’m so close to the situation I don’t always have perspective. As I get more distance the patterns become more obvious…I don’t always like what I see, or what it might mean about her or me. But I’m looking anyway.