12: Today’s Court Hearing
By the time this posts this morning I will be in court.
I wish I weren’t but here we are none-the-less. C wants things. I want things.
Now the judge will want things.
I’ll let him decide what is equitable and if there are lumps I’ll take them. Just as I’ve been willing to take them from the beginning.
I realize the flip side of vulnerability: you take the risk, you face the uncertainty, and you make yourself open to the outcome.
This was a possible outcome.
Tonight a friend that has been in contact with both of us since the beginning offered an interesting insight I never really thought about until now:
You are in this situation because from the beginning you have wanted to take responsibility and demonstrate your concern for C. You took responsibility for her well-being and her healing. You sent her money, books, and tried to care from her from a distance. You allowed your guilt and shame to be manipulated but her, others, and by your own Pride. In other, more noble ways, you have repeatedly tried to adult from a place of hope and love. C doesn’t care about those things. She isn’t wired that way. She sees everything as your problem and so what you do is easily twisted into something it isn’t. Your idealism brought you to this point.
There are things in C’s complaint that are true of course: I sent books on healing from trauma, I contacted her friend to try and get paperwork signed, and I write an online journal talking about my experience through this process and what I’ve learned about myself, my relationship, and Us.
Those are true.
She adds I’m irrational, I made a scene at the bar, I’m a habitual liar and I’m stalking her. She claims my journal slanders her. None of which is true but my infidelity means I have no credibility and it is easy to leverage that.
Some of you reading this will instantly think it’s true simply based on your experience.
That is how prejudice works: it doesn’t have to be true to feel true…and based on C’s behavior she feels it is true.
Anger allows us to justify all kinds of conspiracies and actions. When angry it is easiest to believe the worse and there will always be those that are willing to pile on to a type of common enemy intimacy, stoking anger and ignorance.
A fellow writer wrote yesterday that she lost a financial supporter of her blog over her support of Dr. Ford. She argues we need to believe women when they say these things happen. We need to listen.
I agree.
We do need to believe women, and people in general, that is the generosity that Brene Brown talks about in her discussion of B.R.A.V.I.N.G.
However, as my attorney reminded me Monday, my friends have reminded me for nearly a year, and I learned last month when C and her new Beau made a scene, is C is not my responsibility. I care for her deeply, passionately, and unconditionally but her fears and anger are not my burden. If after twelve months she hasn’t sought help outside of playing the victim than that is on her, not me.
As such, I need to make sure I put the burden of proof where it belongs. The conversation I’ve wanted to have for a long time we are going to have this morning I think.
I’m not anxious, afraid, or angry about how this might turn out.
There is a radical acceptance of where I am and an understanding of its impermanence. I have been done with this relationship for months; reconciliation is not the objective.
My only struggle is this: I realize that I have spent all my energy over the last seven years eight months lovingly caring for C and what I guessed C needs and wants while avoiding the uncomfortable, the hard, the Ugly, and the conflict. I’m only uncomfortable because I know his morning I will need to take the gloves off if I want to break the Pattern that brought me here. I will have to embrace the role of Villain if I want to be free.
And that scares me.
Judge threw it out. “Having your feelings hurt is not harassment.”
I didn’t have to say a word.
I fucking hating every moment of this experience. Nothing a about this is a win.
Nothing.
He told that to C?
Why did she drag you to court anyways?
Glad it worked out for the most part.
Yes get did.
“I gave you your day in court but none of this is harassment.”
Nothing worked out. Still no resolution…but I care deeply, passionately, and unconditionally for her but I’m not responsible for her fears or healing.
I hope she finds peace but running from fear and not confronting trauma head on is not empowering.
My heart bleeds for her…
That’s something that, albeit unfortunately, she’ll have to figure out for herself when the time comes.
I’m confused, I know you were going to file papers for a restraining order. This sounds like something different. Did C file something against you?
Yes.
© hit me with a restraining order saying I was harassing her because I keep asking her to get my things back & have a discussion about closure.
The judge said, wanting his stuff back is not wrong or bad.
I know she is frightened…an I wish she would stop running and face it.
I know you don’t see it as a win, but it does demonstrate to C that not everyone is going to blithely jump into the Ugly-Zone with her. Just because she says something doesn’t make it so. Just because she pouts and stomps her feet and talks about what a meanie you are doesn’t mean everyone will rally around her. The judge’s decision pointed out to her that she can feel strongly about something and be WRONG (the horror of it!).
She was told this today in no uncertain terms by an educated person of authority with a gavel in hand, but my guess is she’s feeling like it was the judge who screwed up. Her reality is still not aligned with actual reality.
…and that happens.
My infidelity and betrayal was full of misaligned perspectives.
This may not feel as a win in your heart, but it is hopefully the start of some closure if the ” who gets what stuff” was worked out. Did any of those details get hammered out?
And no, I don’t feel her claims are true based on my experience. Based on my experience this is still her emotions speaking – and that I can relate to.
It doesn’t have to be true to feel true…
And no. He did say, “There is nothing wrong with him wanting his things back.” And, I’m paraphrasing now, “If you won’t talk to him how do you expect him to communicate that?”
Did she have an answer for that?
No…because he is right and she knows it. She says she is afraid but from my chair she acts she acts angry.
Reminder to self: I caused this calamity but I cannot fix it.
Good reminder. And it’s also important to remind yourself that didn’t create the way she has coped with calamities in her past.
Absolutely. Thanks SSA.
Her pain and fear is real. I cannot change that for her. All I can do is hold her hand…
Prepping for this morning I found an email to © that my ex-wife sent to her a few days after DDay. I hadn’t seen it before, but based on what K wrote, I see why © instantly picked up the tag “Sean is a narcissist…”
So how does that make you feel about K? Was she being and saying things a typical OW would because she wanted to be with you?
I’ll save that for another conversation…but essentially, hurt people hurt people.
It’s more complex than simply OW stuff…she sees it as doing what is necessary to win a fight for her relationship.
It’s weird, as I’ve embraced the reality of the Patterns in my relationship with ©, my Doctor and I have spent the last month focused on why I left K, what happened, and if there is anything worth trying to salvage.
I’ve seriously given thought to being open to trying again. But now, after I read yesterday how willingly she ran me over to get what she wants and it reminded me how hard it is for her to see me I see another pattern…
Conflict Avoidance is the bane of my existence. I’m trying to avoid dealing with it. 😉
She’s basically a bad loser and she wants to drag you through every puddle, thorny bush and pile of cow shit just for her own twisted satisfaction. I think the judge just about summed it up and it’ll probably make her bite you harder next time. Why do you even give her the time of day? You’ll hate me for saying this, but she’s a monster and you need to cut off absolutely.
She hurts. I hurt her. Hurt people hurt people. Vengeance is a lazy form of grieving.
In truth I’m shocked. The judge ordered us to stay away from one another but at 12 months Friday that ship has sailed for me.
I’ll continue to love her from a distance…but I’ve been living her from a distance and an open hand for 12 months anyway.
Nothing really changed. She still has my stuff. I’m still not contacting her directly. She still embraces the damsel.
Status quo.
And why would I hate you? A disagree she is a monster and if you spent time one on one you would probably thoroughly enjoy her – I mean except the artist jealousy artists all seem to have. 😉
Own your pain or pain will own you.
You know, I’ve been thinking about this for a few days.
You are more right than I want to admit. I continue to give her the benefit of the doubt.
That stops now.
I’m always worried I’ll say too much or cut too close and you’ll get annoyed with me. I can only offer you my perspective and of course you are still on that journey so you are welcome to disagree where I am way off. But I think it’s time to grab it all by the scruff of the neck and be the boss. I think this will be your turn around. You are allowed to own this and make a decent future for yourself, because I don’t believe that all of this is your fault.
You’ve only shared your experience and your insight. I value that…
Here is the ugly boiled down reality: I never treated my xp, or our family badly out of maliciousness, I behaved badly. It hurt her feelings (maybe) but destroyed me. However, my xp has been malicious over and over. She acts entitled and childish repeatedly. She actively worked to damage my relationships, reputation, and opportunities.
Also, if you annoy, offend, or are out of line, I will tell you…I won’t simply toss you off.