153.01: The Pattern (Part 1)
I envy the tree, how it reaches but never holds. Things that matter come and go, but being touched and feeling life move on, we tend to cling and hold on, not wanting anything to change. Of course, this fails and things do change.
Mark Nepo
The Book of Awakening
October 12To read the rest of the story about The Patterns click on the links: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
Black Friday 2017, is the day our First Relationship died.
Tonight, with Dr. Deb’ wisdom, Fire and Star’s love, Dr. Madden’s writings, a bit of Elle insight, lots of friends, and a whole lot of © and Patsy III’s theatrics, I think I successfully buried the remains of our relationship at sea…actually a lake.
Anyway, I don’t want to bury the lead, so I’ll just say it: after what I experienced and witnessed from © and Patsy III tonight, I saw clearly, I can never go back to the relationship.
Ever.
And it isn’t that I can’t go back. It isn’t I don’t want some of what we had back. It’s simply I won’t go back.
I want a Partner, not a dependent. I want a Tiger, not a kitten.
I love © deeply, passionately, exuberantly and largely unconditionally, but, after tonight, I want something healthier; that is the Alpha and the Omega.
Everything else is filler.
You had an interaction with C?? It sounds as though it went poorly, but I’m guessing it was unplanned?
I had no interaction with her. I ignored her. She was on a date. I never spoke to her I was never on the same side of the bar with her, I went to listen to a musician with a friend.
Same drama triangle. Same villain. Same Damsel in Distress. New hero. Same behavior from another man putting a show on.
I gave her plenty of space. I never attempted contact.
But two times, her date acted Hero and went out of his way to get in my face and my friend’s face. He wanted her to know what kind of guy I am. She actually laughed, said something like, “I know exactly what kind of guy he is.”
When I went outside after seeing if my friend was there already, he followed me out didn’t want to let me back to the bar the door closed try to push me off.
I said “dude, are you at High School?”
It actually went well for me…I’m still expected to guess what she needs and wants. She isn’t my responsibility. She’s a child. And if she’s choosing not to get help for whatever is actually wrong, that is not my responsibility either.
We are adults. I can love her, but I see clearly, I’m just one more hero. Quite frankly because if I was something more, she would have got the help she needed or fought for us… And for the first time I saw that quite clearly last night. My friend said to me last night after we left, she is clearly hurting, but she’s dealing with it with through other men. It breaks my 💓 for her. What were each responsible for our own healing. She doesn’t want me to hold her hand, she wants me to disappear, and she wants somebody else to take care of her. I’m sad for her. I’m sad for me. I’m sad for us…
I realized in many respects, I was just one more shield and sword.
If she calls, I’ll listen…but I’m finished.
Ouch. Gotta love small town life.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Good for you for not giving them any fodder for the antics.
❤️
I spent most of the night with my back to her. Apparently, this town isn’t big enough for both if Us.
Her date tried holding the bar doors closed so I couldn’t get in.
I asked, “Are you 12? Are you still in high school?”
smh.
One more nail in the coffin. I’ve adulted through this. I’ve done the work. I see myself and © clearly now.
I’m doing what needs done.
New day, new Hero de jour. My heart breaks for her….
He tried to hold the doors closed??? 😳
That tells me all I need to know about him. And if C thought that was okay? Well, then it says a lot about her too.
Maybe it was actually good that you got to witness that shit show in action.
Yep. My friend M and four others were all try to be to get into the bar.
Lol…
Sigh…
Extremely good for me. I’ll write about it tomorrow or Monday.
My heart breaks for her. But I can’t fix your heart… And it’s clearly not about my betrayal. That damages there too, but just like mine infidelity is a sign of old damage, this acting out is a sign of hers.
And I care for her, but I can’t fix that damage either. I realize for all her talk about keeping her safe, what she really needed, and wanted was someone that enables her to avoid her past trauma.
I’ll always be here to listen to her, but I won’t go back.
You are a good person. A good man. Not a cad. People make mistakes. Mistakes help us grow. You will find yourself in a much better and healthier place because of your growth.
Thank you. It just takes time and intention…and entirely more patience than it feels like I can muster some days.