147: Thoughts on Weeping in Walmart: A Twitter Conversation
“If you wish to see the truth then hold no opinions for or against anything. To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.”
by Sengtsan
Third Zen Patriarch of China (d. 606 AD)
Somewhere in the middle of the night, as I tossed and turned, I realized that the pain I felt walking through Walmart was not triggered by what I feel. It was triggered by what I thought about what I feel. It was triggered by what think I feel about myself for hurting someone I love.
It was triggered by my biological meaning-making machine trying to explain how I feel and how C feels.
My mess was triggered by the stories I tell myself about what I think I know…but I know nothing. All I have are the stories I imagine and the ghost stories grafted onto our relationship by ill-informed outsiders playing hero in their own drama triangle.
It isn’t enough to simply state I feel, I have to explain it, and dissect it. “The mind secretes thoughts like my body secretes enzymes,” says Tara Brach.
And so shit turns on a dime when I think on all the change.
How did she find out?
And I read in a previous blog she’s going out on dates now? That’s good she’s been able to move on. Maybe it’s time you do? 🤷🏻♀️
Me ex-wife called her while she was standing in Walmart.
It’s always funny to me that when people say “moving on” I think that means dating or pretending I don’t care. How about I get my house in emotional order first?
As far as C dating? She always had that choice and it has nothing to do with me. My only hope is she finds happiness and joy. I believe her ending the relationship was an attempt at doing the most loving thing for her, me, and Us.
I wouldn’t take me back…but I wouldn’t go back either. Things would need to be different for both of us in many ways – including how we deal with the really hard shit.
I must be confused, I thought you and C were married or dating?
Get everything in order to help you move on with life. Sounds like she clearly doesn’t want to get back with you. It seems like she’s getting her self back in order. Also seems like you’re hanging on much to stronger than you should be; or need to be
Yep, you are confused. That happens when we start making assumptions about others and what they are doing and their motivations…but with infidelity everyone has an opinions.
Only C can speak for C.
And as far as what I am and am not doing, I’m feeling pretty good with where I am and what I’m doing.
So thanks for the advice.
I wasn’t making assumptions. But ok. 🙄 was just trying to have conversation.
I’m still more than a bit testy when people make general statements about who is doing what in this situation. I’m working on the things that have brought me to this place, I’m working on moving on, and the suggestions that I’m holding on just strikes me at a bad angle.
A sentence that includes the word “should” just rankles me. IDK what C is or isn’t doing. I try hard not to know when I’m not guessing. Really ugly, untrue, and flat out lies about me have been spread by people that have never had one conversation with me, and by people that barely knew me.
C and I are not together because it is what C wants, and I have walked a fine line between letting her know I’m still her and not falling into a Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic.
So your comment, as innocent and well-meaning as I’m sure it was, stepped on a very raw nerve.
I’m so glad I don’t feel the way you feel. I’ve learned to beat most of the thoughts and emotions into submission and then leave them dying on the ground as I walk away. It sounds harsh but I got sick of being put through the mill every fucking time. I just wanted to get on with my life without feeling like someone was stabbing me in the heart every day.
Here is the difficulty from my perspective: no one is stabbing me in the heart. I stabbed myself and until I face the truths of both why and how I will end up stabbing myself over and over. I cannot simply stomp it out because when I do I am stomping out parts of me that are good and beautiful too. No one inflicted this on me. I inflicted it upon myself. My power doesn’t return by avoiding it. My power returns by naming it.