Love Letters to a Healing Heart

143: Silence – Day 34

September 27, 2018October 3, 2023 Wanders

“…the paradox that underscores all courage: that leaning into what is gripping us will allow us to work our way free.”

Mark Nepo
The Book of Awakening
September 27

“Anger is natural, intelligent and necessary for surviving and flourishing.”

Tara Brach

Anger: Responding, Not Reacting

“The kindest thing we can do for everyone concerned is to know when to say ‘enough.’ Many people use Buddhist ideals to justify self-debasement. In the name of not shutting our heart we let people walk all over us.”

Pema Chödron

The Places That Scare You

I need to shut my heart…but I before I do that I need to acknowledge my anger. I wouldn’t even know how angry I am about this if my doctor hadn’t given me this task.

I hate it. I hate I’m doing it. I hate I’m talking about it. I hate it even exists.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

For the first time since I started the shitheadery, since K called C, and since I left my home I want to hide. I want to hide and fucking run off, throw myself into sex, alcohol, and maybe find a nice cult where someone else tells me how to feel and think.

However, I’m doing the task anyway.

While completing the task I’m been forced to scour through seven years of emails, notes, cards, pictures, story, FB message, text message, and post between C and me. I’m reading to see what I said and did was true and what I said and did was a lie.

I’m also trying to decide what was true and what was a lie from C. Where were we vulnerable and where were we hiding.

I’ve been tasked with trying to decide if I Love C and am Bonded to her, or if I simply Love the idea of being Bonded to C. As such, I’m looking to answer the central question Dr. Caroline Madden asks in her book, After A Good Man Cheats, “Do you really want your relationship back, or are you simply panicking and doing the things you think you are supposed to do?”

And what have I learned?

I’ve learned I told the sincere, honest truth far more often than I lied. And despite it all, I told the truth consistently.

I treated her like a Queen and my life revolved around her life, her art, her kids, and her schedule. I asked for almost nothing and I did it without one complaint or resentment.

I rearranged my life so her life wouldn’t be inconvenienced and she would be “safe”…

…because that apparently was my job: Keep C safe so she didn’t have to do any of the hard adulting things. Like you know, express her feelings.

I’m pissed as I reread her emails to me her the most accurate explanation that actually makes any sense is I “failed to keep her safe.” I’m pissed in the revisionist history inserted into our relationship by her and by people never in our bed.

Also, my other job is not to challenge her on any of the behaviors that made me feel unsafe. There is WAYYYYY more there but I’ll save it for my doctor.

I’m pissed that every time for the last 10 months someone says to me some variation of, “Sean, she was using you. She betrayed you too,” I defend her. I’m still defending her and her betrayals. I’m pissed that someone I poured my heart and life into would use me while I sincerely poured my love, life, and treasure into our Partnership with her.

Would she use me? Is she that kind of person she is? Am I useable? Was I disposable?

I’m pissed that I didn’t feel I could trust C with my most vulnerable, Ugly, and deepest secrets. That isn’t her fault. That is my unwillingness to ask for help. It is my old damage based on Ugly lessons of toxic masculinity learned from other toxic men as they drank, fucked, and worked themselves to death and by drunk, emotionally damaged, and unstable fucking women that made other people responsible for their well-being.

I’m pissed somewhere along this life I learned that to hurt someone by being truthful is a type of abuse.

I’m angry I have a type.

I’m also charged with going through the emails to K. I’m mortified about my shitheadery. All because I was avoiding conflict, wouldn’t ask for help, and refused to admit I failed C and didn’t know what to do next.

I’m angry that K called C. I’m angry that despite my anger at K I still blame me for everything instead of holding her accountable. I’m angry that despite K’s cruel and selfish actions she at least fought for what she wanted while after seven years C just threw me under the bus and ghosted.

I’m pissed that despite all of K’s shit she is the only one of my types to step up and try to lean into her pain…even as she continues to blame me for her pain.

I cannot even begin to describe in words how angry I am at the Splitter and his Flying Monkey Patrol and the exponential damage their arrogant, hypocritical, and sanctimonious bullshit created. I’m pissed these narcissistic and pathological cowards, 10 months later, are still treating this like a power game.

I’m pissed C allowed it? Encouraged it? Fed it?

And how C appears to have played the victim to the predatory Hero’s and allowing them to paint me as Villian in the triangle they perpetuated. I’m pissed I ended up playing their game instead of simply ignoring their insanity and dealing directly with C.

I wrote this email to C almost exactly eight months ago and I don’t know any more now than I did then…and as some trying to get into C panties wrote back in response at the time, “You don’t deserve any answers.”

There is a lot here. Please at least acknowledge you received it…

It’s been 34 days today and Christmas is over.

I promised you once that I would never miss another holiday and we would always be together. We can spend New Year’s together. I miss you and long for you…my heart cries out for you and in the morning I still reach for you.

You haven’t spoken, written or texted me on your own volition in nearly 30 days. I’ve worked hard to honor your request for space and time.

I’ve kept my responsibility as your partner financially and to the extend you’ve allowed me, emotionally. I unfriended 100 people, some I’ve known for years, to give you room socially. I changed our relationship status so you wouldn’t have too. Although I wouldn’t do those things again. I would have given it more time.

I’ve continued to act your partner not wanting to make a rash decision in my pain in response to your justifiable anger, deep hurt and pain. I haven’t abandoned you.

Even after you scrubbed our home of everything that could remind you of me I quietly and quickly removed as much as I could from your gaze to make you feel safer. I called Monti to ask for his help, told him the story (including details). I chose to do that because I love you and know you are scared and confused and you wouldn’t have.

I’ve quietly let you abandon our relationship without a fight or plea. Some out of guilt and a bit out of pride.

Still, you’ve said nothing to me.

Which leaves me with more questions than answers. It leaves me hurt, angry, scared, lonely, confused. Sometimes all at once.

You’ve so easily cast me aside, was there something more wrong with our relationship? Did you want out but didn’t know how to end it? Had I done something else that hurt you that you didn’t aren’t talking to me about?

The small and limited kindness you’ve shown me, is that simply about making sure I keep paying the bills? One of the only time you’ve written to me was about money after I told you the doctor told me to stop paying the bills. Is that all that matters?

Why have you found it necessary to tell so many people all the details? Why have you sought out people on the outside of our small social circles to share so many details?

Someone accused me of grooming you. Do you believe I was trying to isolate you from other people? That I’m a predator? I don’t understand that.

Even after my falling out with your sisters I still encouraged you to go and spend time with them and to call them.

I think I did. Didn’t I?

I offered numorous times to take you to your dad’s house or to pick him up and take him places for us.

You had been saying you wanted to go to counseling. Was there something you were hiding? Did you have a secret too? Were you unhappy?

Someone said to me last week that your decision to simply abandon the relationship without even a fight is a reflection of how you feel about us. That you didn’t believe their was anything of value worth fighting for…or even about.

Is that true?

And why F? Why did you send me to F’s? Why did you use her? To watch me? Report on me? Take care of me? Why would you think that is where I’d go? I had friends in Luck that invited me to stay with them. I only went because that’s  what you said to do.

I could have stayed closer…

Did you send me away to make you feel safer or because you are avoiding the really hard feelings of anger and jealousy?

Did you think I was dangerous and would hurt you? Is that why Warren threatened me? Did you tell him I physically threatened or intimidated you? Why would he think that? Why would he act that way towards me?

It feels like some of the actions you’ve made are intentional to hurt me or punish me. Ignoring my texts, phone calls, emails and questions or opening up our private life for rumours and gossip. This resulted in my loss of face and makes it incredibly hard to ever return home without serious humbling to near strangers. Was that intentional? Is that why I’m getting the silent treatment? Ignored?

Do you hate me?

You know I was jealous right?

I always thought you missed being with a musician. That you would have preferred to be with another artist…or at least someone that would have helped you paint the garage. Someone handier than me. Someone financially more stable for you and your boys.

Is that true? Are you using this to get something you need and want that I cannot provide you creatively? Sexually? Emotionally? Financially? Did you really feel like I simply wanted to be your sugar daddy?

When I said earlier this year I needed to deal with the hard stuff, this was it. Is this how you would have reacted regardless of how you learned? Would you have tossed me aside so quickly and abandoned the relationship if I had told you instead of K? Is this where we would have been anyway?

And the root canal.

When you found out about needing to see another specialist why did you call your dad first and ask him for help financially? Did I do something wrong? Why didn’t you discuss it with me first?

Was I too involved in your business? Did you think I was trying to steal it? Run it? Why did you stop talking to me about your art? Was I not being supportive? Were you afraid I was dissatisfied with the money? Did you resent what I thought was trying to help? Was I not supportive enough?

You refused to talk honestly with me about your plans for your art or your business finances. Did you feel like I was trying to take over? Control you? Was I embarrassing you? Why did you hide the PayPal debt from me? Was there other debt you were hiding?

There is so much I don’t understand about why you are doing what you are doing. I have so many questions and the lack of communication only creates more.

Is there truly no hope? Is this what you want or is it you don’t know how to move forward? Is that why you won’t speak to me?

Are you afraid if you speak to me you might discover you still love me and work on things? Do you feel anything besides hurt and anger towards me?

Am I doing what you need? Want? Is there something more you need? I’m willing to fight for us and the possibilities? Will you let me? Does it matter to you?

It makes me sad to know you have defined our entire relationship on this series of events. As if my actions are somehow a reflection on your value or on how I valued our relationship.

Would you give me some feedback? Be angry with me? Tell me off? Ask a question? Anything? Something?

Every mile I’ve driven since I left I’ve wanted to share with you. I always think of you and carry you in my heart.

Every moment since we met has been one mile closer to you…now I just drive farther away. Don’t you feel the distance too? It’s heartbreaking…maybe if we’re driving towards each other it would start mending both our hearts?