117: This and That
When our days are turbulent and troubled, our challenge is to remember that the wave is not the sea. Though it pounds us, the pounding will pass. Though it tosses us about, the tossing will pass, if we don’t fight it.
Mark Nepo
The Book of Awakening
July 9
Hearts
I told a friend yesterday, “I want to take my heart put it into a meat grinder and kill every memory, experience, passion, moment, and love I have for C. I want to simply stop loving, missing and thinking about C. I don’t want to care anymore.”
She responded, and I’m paraphrasing, “If you could do that then everything others have said about you would be true. What you are describing is the internal life of a narcissist. You hurt because you care. You hurt because you hurt someone you love. You hurt because you have empathy. You hurt because it matters. You hurt because C was your Partner for seven years. This isn’t just going to go away by pretending she doesn’t matter or your life with her didn’t happen. Your heart won’t heal if you kill it. It’s okay to love her and care even if she cannot and will not recognize your Truth. It’s just not okay to expect her to see you. If she hates you or if she doesn’t think of you at all – and that is her Truth.”
My heart shatters into a thousand pieces again. I roll my eyes and sigh sarcastically…because she speaks the truth to me. I still belong to C…and long to be free of the loss. I start picking up the pieces…again.
FFS
I’ve been up since six. I’m not sleeping. The tooth I waited six months to crown is infected and I’m afraid I need a root canal. I’m sick with a sore throat, congestion, and a fever…which happens when I’m not getting enough sleep. I cannot treat the tooth until I’m not sick. I won’t get better without rest. I cannot get rest because my tooth – and heart – ache.
Letters Home
I’ve written and destroyed three letters to C today. What else is there to say? Another apology? A request for a conversation? Perspective? Hope? Confession of love? Permission to go? More explanations? Questions?
I imagine she laughs at my vulnerability.
A friend wrote to me this week and reminded me, “She avoids you because she doesn’t know how to see you now. She avoids you because she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable back. She isn’t afraid of you so much as afraid of herself. To see you is to be reminded she might still care.”
Two Wolves
Something I read reminds me, “She brings the same depth of passion to hate you and resent you as she brought to love you and care for you. You did this to her heart. She didn’t do this to you…but today you both are choosing which wolf to feed. She seeks the counsel of those that feed her angry resentful wolf red meat of othering not healing.”
Again, I drop the pieces of my heart and it shatters once more…
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