96: Join Me

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”

Criss Jami

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Every tune I play falls on deaf ears.

I want to thank my real and virtual friends for all their support over the last six months. It has been both a trying and revealing time of my life.

I’m very happy with how things are at the moment and frankly, it is because I’ve been willing to be vulnerable and lean into the hurt and fears.

I’ve run from nothing.

Although I am still sorting through the lines between personal, private and secret, I have no more secrets or lies to hide from C or K – and really they are the only people that matter and deserve amends.

However, I want you to know your feedback, truthfulness, and honesty have helped me immensely. Your willingness to be vulnerable with me helps me better understand my betrayal of C and K, my secret-keeping, and the escalating series of lies to cover my completely inappropriate behavior.

When I originally started writing it was an attempt to communicate my remorse and take public responsibility to C in the hopes she would see it as it was intended: a heartfelt attempt at owning my betrayal and subsequent behaviors and a clearly genuine attempt at a conversation without expectations.

I have no idea how much she has read, what she thinks, or how she feels. Like a matador hides behind a cape and strikes by lances from the side, C continues to hide behind the silent treatment and lancing blows.

Bloodied and bruised I am trudging down my path of happy destiny. Sometimes quickly. Sometimes slowly. However, I am moving forward.

As I’ve previously written, I’ve tried to clearly establish deadlines and benchmarks for moving forward in a way that lets C know I’m here if she wants to talk while at the same time living without her. At no point in time have I expected it to make a difference but I’m trying not to rush through the hurt from my loss.

Hiding and pretending I’m not hurting is as dishonest as my betrayal. I can look in the mirror and know I’ve done what I can to make amends and love her. Even if I have to love her from afar.

However, as I approach the six-month benchmark the next step is to make my writing private so I can more freely discuss what is happening and where I can talk more freely with others and learn more directly from their experience.

As such, I’m making many of the most personal writings private.

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3 thoughts on “96: Join Me

  1. I have subscribed. Thanks for offering the opportunity before going private. I have been reading your journey. You can’t imagine how helpful you have been to me. Someday when I can, I will write and tell you. But for now, know you have made a difference.

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