91: Hard Week
Earlier in the week, I mentioned I talked with K. The conversation was constructive. And painful (more on K next week).
I thanked K for helping me break my cycle of shame. Also, I bitched at her for helping me break my cycle of shame.
Both can be true at the same time.
Her actions are a double-edged sword.
However, after talking to K, and learning about C’s initial reaction, I realize what I learned is also a double-edged sword. It cuts both ways too (more on that on Monday).
Therefore, I thought and wrote a lot about my betrayal and C’s betrayal this week.
And she did betray me too.
Maybe not about the same thing but about enough to leave me feeling deeply saddened, heartsick, and foolish.
Trolls showed up again this week calling me a liar, delusional, and a menace to society. Using my betrayal, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies as justification for their self-aggrandizing attempts at intimidation and self-righteous judgement. Telling me I’m treating this like a joke and giving me their self-serving opinion on me. I try not to give a fuck, but I do.
I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to be vulnerable and open. I want to scrub my Twitter accounts and blog. I want to erase every picture of our life together. I want to pretend it never happened. I want to go out and fuck, dance, drink, and fuck some more.
Not necessarily in that order…but it’s a start.
I want to tell you it doesn’t matter to me. I want to say, “Fuck that bitch!” Find a new girlfriend and fall into a meaningless, shallow and orgasm filled relationship.
I don’t want to have to think or feel.
Just tell me what I have to do to conform to whatever it is people do to conform. I want to walk away and not feel motivated to examine my life and choices.
I want to set fire to anything and everything that reminds me of C. I want to slay my romantic and homesick heart.
I envy the narcissist and their black heart. I envy the dead. I envy the silent. I envy the judgemental, and their glass houses. I envy C’s ability to walk it off and turn it off.
I simply want to stop waking up in the morning and looking for her in the bed next to me. I want to stop feeling the loss of her trust, love, body, and companionship. I want to be done with her…
…I might as well ask the rain to stop falling and the birds to stop singing and the flowers to stop blooming.
I will never be that shallow man because I am my own man and if that doesn’t meet the approval of goons, trolls, and critics?
Well, they can fuck off.
I know who I am. I know what I did. It’s never been a game. It isn’t a joke.
I’ll be finished grieving when it’s time…but know this, when I’m finished I will be finished. I will never drag the past into my future again.
Also, I want my fucking coffee mugs and vintage alarm clocks back.
You’re going through a process. Various emotions will come and go and come again. And then eventually you’ll suddenly realise things are changing. The blog is cathartic. A useful therapy because it gives you perspective from people who have been in similar or opposite situations, and perhaps those who have never been through it before. Fuck the trolls. They are delusional. They are simply trying to belittle you. They are bullies.
Thanks NYAG. I know but in the middle of the night, when I wrote this, the voices of internal doubters and critics are the loudest.
And I wrote exactly for the reason you stayed. I lived in silence and with secrets for years. I’ll not allow my shame and secrets that kind of power over me ever again.