90.1: A Perspective on C (Part 1 of 2)
We’re drowning in information and starving for knowledge.
As C has dealt with the emotional and mental fallout of my betrayal she did it from the comfort of her home.
Every night she cuddled with the dog and the two cats. She slept in a bed every night in a warm house surrounded by the things that brought her comfort. Anything reminding her of me ended up painted over and in the trash or garage almost immediately.
For the first sixty to ninety days she never had to figure out how she was going to pay the bills as I contributed a significant amount even as I lived on the road. She has never had to worry about where to sleep, where to shower, or how to make a hot meal. Not once did she have to get up in the morning and wonder where she was going to sleep next.
When she got up she could walk downstairs, make coffee in her coffee pot, sit at her table, and look out her windows. She didn’t have to rush off to work. If she felt like working she could walk into the living room or walk 600 yards to the art studio.
Around Day 75 she found a new Patsy.
She did this surrounded by her friends and family telling her I am a narcissist, criminal, and dangerous regardless of what she knew about me. She either told, believed, or accepted these stories without a single question to me.
Maybe it is easier to believe she already knew all the answers. Maybe she just decided I was only capable of lies and deception.
Maybe, as she told K, she really was “looking for a reason to kick [me] out of the house.”
Maybe I was just a rebound.
I have no idea what C thinks or feels because she has never said. Although the trolling has provided a treasure trove of information about what a small number of people think and feel towards me, C’s silent treatment has left me starving for knowledge. I’ll eventually make peace with never knowing but five months later the wound is still tender.
Trolls have accused me of confusing C. Any heartfelt communication was condemned as manipulation of C and her feelings. Strangers have accused me of gaslighting her, isolating her, and manipulating her. All based on cherry-picked evidence and rumors. Every action, even healthy and truthful ones, are warped by overactive imaginations into a season-long story arc of Shameless. Every action regardless of intention became feedstock fueling confirmation bias.
If the trolling comments are any indication, people made sure she knew she was a victim of a villain. My trolls – her friends – continue to remind her they think any good feelings she has was built on a lie.
Every night she had knowledge of where she slept and with that came stability, comfort, security, and peace of mind.
As she recently said to a friend, her “life is back on track.”
I’m glad actually. I don’t resent her at all for those things.
I read the stories of the men and women still living in the unpredictable chaos of betrayal, secret-keeping, and the escalating series of lies necessary to muffle the sound of the infidelity and I don’t want that for her. I’d rather she forget me, if that is what she needs to do. I never wanted anything but stability, safety, and comfort for her.
I want her to be happy, joyous, and free.
If not with me, then where ever she is and with whomever she chooses. I want for her what I want for myself. I want her to be more fully herself.
It is all I’ve ever wanted for her.
Lots of comments, which you probably won’t agree with. It’s what I think based on recent information:
1. Based on the information that she may have been looking for a way out of the relationship anyway, you can stop being so nice to her. She’s kept everything, you left town. You are the one starting again not her. Like she said ‘life is back on track’.
2. Based on the above, I am going to ASSUME that the trolls are being fed by her, so it’s worth bearing in mind that they have been gullibly accepting everything she has told them as fact. Now who’s the villian?
3. Based on 2, assume that C actually isn’t that hurt by what has happened except that you engineered the end of the relationship and presumably ‘did her a favour’.
4. I suspect that the reason you have had no communication from her is because of all of the above. You did the work she didn’t have to do, and now she’s done. There’s a reasonable chance that she may be upset that you betrayed her, but not that the relationship is over, which it sounds like she wanted anyway. You’ve saved her looking like the bad guy and she’s happy to keep that story rolling for her own benefit.
5. In the sense that she wanted out anyway, she’s making it easy for you to move on. She wants nothing from you except your suffering as a cloak for her own failings in this relationship. Please stop paying for stuff for her. She’s taking you for everything she can get and all the time you lay yourself on the slab for her she will keep on taking it.
Part 2. 😉
Also, I agree 100%.
This is part of your moving on process. I know it’s hard but it’ll give you focus and help you. If she can move on so easily, it’s time you made inroads to rebuild your life.
I have to do it my way.
Which is sometimes the hard way but I truly feel good about what I’ve accomplished since the reveal. I also feel good about most of the things I did for our relationship over the seven years we were together. If she cannot have any perspective five months later that is unfortunate for her.
I know what I did. I know who I am.
I’m not perfect. Who is?
Perfect doesn’t exist. It’s a construct. The important thing is that the way you do it, is right for you. It’s your process, it’s your recovery, it’s your story. You know best how you work and once you have taken other people’s perspectives which may or may not have some useful advice, you move forward. Sounds like you know what you’re doing and I think the extra information you’ve had lately may not be what you wanted to hear, but it’s also going to be helpful to you.
The truth will not set you free. What you do with the truth will.
Well said.
NYAG has actually summed it up rather nicely – When I learned of my husband’s betrayal, I spun the story of him being a narcissist. I had facts I could back that story up with and the people I told agreed with me and took my side. At the time, our marriage was shit and he did give me an out. My cousin was the first one I told and the first thing I said was my H was fucking around, now I finally have an excuse to file for divorce. And when I hired my attorney, I too wanted to take him for everything I could.
The difference is my friends, though they supported me 100%, they did not insert themselves into the situation. And in the end, when we decided to reconcile, only 1 and my daughter did not support me.
My husband had the affair out of frustration and because he was a coward. He was miserable (as was I) and acted on it. He gave me the excuse. Only when push came to shove, neither of us was willing to throw away 25 years…