Friday’s Guest Writer: Goodbye (03)
Welcome
Everyone’s situation is different but the anger is real. As such, one of my goals is to provide men and women, on all three sides of the triangle, a place to give voice to their fears, joys, anguish, victories, and failings. It helps me learn.
Within limits, I’m open to posting anything from anyone on Friday’s.
I’m trying to keep it anonymous. The goal is not to further humiliate or shame anyone. There is enough in this situation already.
Let the pain have meaning.
About the Author
My name is A. My husband cheated on me. How many times? More than one, less than twenty. I think. Probably. Truth be told, I don’t know. There are seven I know of. I’ve confronted all but two. One won’t respond, and the other, frankly scares me a little.
I think this last affair really opened his eyes that he is going to lose me if he doesn’t get it together. So now it’s one day at a time. Excruciating some days.
In order to clear some of the horrible clutter from my brain, I’ve written a short letter to this final OW. X.
Goodbye
Dear X:
You are not special or unique. There were other women before you, but you will be the last. I see the shame and humiliation in my husband’s eyes when I’ve tried to talk to him about the crushing, total pain you two brought into my world. The destruction of any feeling of safety I harbored.
It isn’t fair. I waited 35 years to marry this man. You first contacted him the week of our honeymoon. Of course, I didn’t know about you for about six months. But you’ve been in the middle of our marriage from the very beginning.
I found out about you looking at our cell phone bill. I had gone online to pay it, and noticed it was about sixty pages long. I had no idea that information like numbers called and texted as well as photos exchanged were detailed. What a treasure trove of information.
I was in the middle of a very stressful store grand opening and didn’t have time to really deal with this mess. I sent my husband a screenshot of one days worth of texts. Over 900 starting at about 6:00 a.m. and ending about the exact time I clocked out of my job. “Our phone was hacked” ……. Did he really expect me to believe that? But again, I didn’t have time. The following week I played a really strong bluff. I was going to the AT&T store. With my ID they would show me any photos so I could prosecute whoever “hacked” our phone. I shared this info with F. MY husband. In about 20 minutes he called me. I could hear the tears. He asked me to come by and talk to him before I went to the AT&T office.
Your contact had gone from chatting on adultfriendfinder.com, to texting, and I didn’t know it yet but you actually met my husband at hotels and had sex with him. He says three times, but I do not believe that number for a second.
I asked him if he loved you. I thought he would vomit. “Hell no” was his reply. That made me feel a smidge better, but again I didn’t believe him.
Twenty months you were in MY husband’s thoughts and heart. I’ve ran through so many emotions and feelings towards you. Today I’m left with pity. And nausea. And fury.
I hope my story may shine a light on predatory skanky women like you. That delight in taking married men outside their vows.
Lastly and finally I want you to know that you are dismissed. You have NO place in OUR lives. I will not waste another moment worrying about you.
Goodbye
I am really torn with conflicting feelings when I read things like this. The OW is insignificant compared to the marriage of these two people but addressing her is not going to change anything. She would not be in their lives if he had not sought her out, or accepted her advances, however it happened. She would not exist if it was not for him. He is the one that should be answering all the questions. If the OW knew he was married then YES she should have questioned her actions, of course she should. But HE allowed her into the relationship and caused what is now going on. So, whilst I am sure it is cathartic to A to write a letter to the OW, he is the one that should be ultimately be dealing with it because otherwise there will always be another OW.
There is no question of whose loyalty belongs to whom, however it is very healing to write the letter – sometimes with revisions and reread over and over. Sending it may not be a good idea, but writing one was for me. I wrote one to one of the OW and sent it to my friend to do what she wanted with it but she knew I wanted it sent. I’ll never know for sure. I’ve even written a letter to Sex Addiction and of course, plenty to Mr. P.
We need to hate and blame someone because we are in so much pain and anguish, all the while trying to have love and peace with our men. It is heart wrenching and so confusing. We know full well he is to blame and that is why we feel so betrayed. We just need to let the anger out on someone and the OW is the next best target. Writing the letter does not change the past, but it can redirect the anger.
Exactly. There is something powerful to giving voice to the hurt, loneliness, and fears. More vulnerability, not less, heals a broken heart. It isn’t weakness to share honestly about what is happening within our feeling selves. It is too easy to hide behind a toxic masculinity where expressing those feelings are perceived as weak and needy.
Thank you. Love this. I wanted to play devil’s advocate as someone who ‘wouldn’t do it that way’ simply because of the way I am wired. I know lots of partners do write letters and if it helps in any way then that has to be a good thing. Coping strategies vary and there are so many. x
We all want to be heard and now we aren’t alone. Next week I have a letter from a woman actively engaged in a longterm affair.
I’ve known her for 35 years. I was kind of shocked when she sent it to me.