85: Running Away
You’ve got balls coming back here. I hope if you see me, you will steer clear.
Another Troll
I have a place lined up in Yo-Yo Town, a community of 1,000 people in rural Wisconsin. C and I will invariably see each other unless she sells her house and moves away out of her misplaced fears.
Early in this process, the anxiety of what to do next had me confused, scared, and alone. I was alone with my shame, remorse, and guilt. On the other hand, C had people running to her side and checking on her, listening to her, telling her ghost stories, and projecting intent onto her pain.
I don’t know what is and isn’t true about her pain. All I have is a vacuum and what self-aggrandizing trolls tell me. I told a friend today about how much it hurts that C will not talk to me. Is what the trolls accuse me of what she thinks, is it how she feels, or is it what she thinks about how she feels?
A friend reminded me, “You only know what the trolls’ think and they’re motives have proven questionable. You will never know what she feels or what she thinks because, like so much of your relationship, when it’s hard she ghosts. She continues to expect you to guess and that gives her power.”
What I do know, based on everything she has done is she is afraid.
I’m afraid too.
When I see here do I treat her like she is a stranger? Do I nod? Wave? Try to talk with her?
However, I don’t really have to worry. When she sees me she will run or a Drama Triangle Hero will step forward to “defend” her honor and perhaps try to smother me in the Dairy Mafia’s cheesecloth.
She will run because she is a Distancer. Not from me, but from her fears and feelings. However, I will not Pursue her.
Not because I don’t want to pursue her, but because there is nothing to pursue.
The trolls motives are not questionable. They troll because their lives are vacuous and they have nothing else to do with their time but stick their nose into other people’s business, picking and choosing what suits their agenda to believe.The only reason you are unable to have a dialogue with C is because she won’t have one, and you don’t know whether that’s simply because of what has happened or because of everyone sticking their nose in and telling her what to do. But it almost doesn’t matter now because if she wanted to talk to you she would have done.
I think it’s very brave of you to want to move back there. I wouldn’t. Are you going to be safe, are you going to be lynched one night when you leave a bar by someone who’s had a couple of jars too many? People can be thugs. They strike first and ask questions later. If you are faced with her, just say hi and leave it at that. You aren’t being pushy but you aren’t blanking her either. That way if she ever decides she wants to have a conversation with you, she knows the door is open. But never approach her first. She has to do it, because you have already tried.
This –> “She has to do it, because you have already tried.”
You know I’m right. 🙂
Without a doubt.
Both for reclaiming her own power (which I’ve recognized from the beginning) and because I’ve made it clear I’d be willing to own the consequences.
The choice has always been hers to make.
Also, I’m working the phrase “a couple of jars too many” into my next conversation.
I found this on the BBC World Service for you. That should keep you amused for a while. 😉 http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/youmeus/lingo/lingo_going.shtml
Oh he will. It just needs time. He hasn’t been given proper closer on this one, so the process is a bit drawn out. You’ll come out stronger though!
Already am.
Just finished writing about that reality. It will post on Saturday.