Most things break instead of transform because they resist….
…somewhere the misperception has been enshrined that to withhold love will stop hurt. In truth, it is the other way around.
I’ve tried to act lovingly towards C through all of this in the hope she would be willing to work to transform our relationship into something more than it has been. She has resisted every outreach from me. Maybe to protect herself. Maybe in an attempt to break the relationship. Maybe to break me. Maybe all of those reasons. I am accepting I will never know what C feels or what she thinks beyond her fears and resentments.
In many respects, her unyielding rigidity has forced me to redefine and transform alone. That isn’t a bad thing. I needed to be transformed but, as Mason Cooley wrote, “I resist change even as I call for it.” This is the value of pain. Pain forces people down the path they need to take to get to where they need to be next.
Unfortunately, in others ways, her unyielding rigidity, and my responses, reinforces the same issues that were slowing rotting away at the foundation of our relationship anyway. Plaguing our relationship in ways far more damaging than simply my betrayals. As a friend reminds me, “We may have ended up here anyway even without my betrayal.”
Regardless of my wondering, I don’t know what will happen next. I never really did.
As Spouse of a Sex Addict alluded to in her post about Ripping Up the Old Contract, I could be dead tomorrow and all my anxieties, plans, and dreams for tomorrow are for naught. All my shames, remorse, and humiliations are wastes of energy. This is why living not only in, but for, the moment is essential to happiness.
Five months ago the anxiety of the vacuum and trolling was making me an emotional wreck. Hell, three months ago humiliation and loss drove me to many sleepless nights and suicidal fantasizing. At three in the morning anxiety, in conjunction with the trolls, would whisper lies about the future and past. Fear tells me stories about what is going to happen next, what life will look like – with or without C.
Anxiety wants me to be afraid and to withhold my love and run…but I cannot. That has never been my way. “Somewhere,” writes Mark Nepo, “the misperception has been enshrined that to withhold love will stop hurt. In truth, it is the other way around.”
Everything I’ve done since I moved to Yo-Yo Town five years ago was to make this my home. Everything.
C and my life with C was my happiness. Now I have to stay in the moment. Now I have to discover a new happiness with each breath.
It scares me but, like since the beginning of this trainwreck, I’m doing it anyway. It is the only path to rediscovering my self-respect and power. It is the only path to transform myself and my life.
More vulnerability, not less, is the only path to my heart.
With or without C, I got this.
Hello loves, ❤ I am slowly learning to train my brain on the present instead of spending my time trying to predict the future. Worrying is not preparing me for the worst case scenario the way I have been telling myself. It has only been making me more paranoid. It has only increased my stress […]