62: Going Home
I never planned on moving away.
When C asked me to leave, I left. It was never my intention to be gone for nearly five months.
One day I was here. The next day I was gone.
I disappeared from the lives of friends, associates, and economic and community development projects. I vanished overnight from everything and everyone. I disappeared without explanation other then there was a self-inflicted, catastrophic failure in my relationship with C and that I was headed out of town.
I left on C’s terms. And as result, I’ve allowed others to fill the vacuum with truths, half-truths, and ghost stories.
I didn’t want to leave my Wisconsin community because, despite the lack of pizza delivery, I enjoy living here. The midnight skies of the new moon are stunning. Every day I see eagles perched along the roads. I love the solitude and silence of the winter. The bears dumping our trash can and shitting in our yard is actually cooler than it sounds.
It isn’t Mayberry but Mayberry never actually existed.
However, here I am, four months later still living out of my van, AirBnbs, hotels, and sleeping on the occasional borrowed bed waiting for a call I’m not sure I even want to come at this point. It is my self-imposed penance and punishment.
I stayed away thinking I was giving C space and eventually we would at least have a conversation. However, what I thought was happening wasn’t what was actually happening.
When I left I made the decision to give C one month for ever year we were together. As such, my five-month commitment to her ends April 22. At that time I need to make some decisions for the next 90 days.
As I said, I left on C’s terms. I’m coming home on my own.
I’m coming home to face my fears, anxieties, rumors, and haters. I’m coming home to my friends. I’m coming home to reclaim my self-respect and power.
If I leave again it will be on my terms and not in the middle of the night.
As such, I’m looking for a roommate in or around the Village of L beginning in mid-May or the first of June.
You know how to reach me.
RC, good for you for going home on your own terms.
Hold your head high and stay strong, if I lived where you did I would be waiting at the welcome to Luck sign to greet you with open arms.
Uncomfortable feelings are only temporary, take a breath, as you told me last night. Ignore the trolls and bullies, you have a right to live a happy life free from judgement of others who have also made poor choices. Those that cast stones have made worse decisions, and are only projecting their unresolved issues onto you – forgive them if you can.
Safe travels friend xo
Early last month I wrote a short email to one of the trolls apologizing for responding so negativily and unkindly to his intruding. I apologized for saying unnecessary and hurtful things to him and asked for his forgiveness.
Got more of the same from him.
wonderful 🙂
It feels like you decided that since you were the instigator in all this that you deserved whatever punishment anyone could throw at you. I am sure deeper analysis of your situation reveals more than a simple case of ‘you did a bad thing’. You’d have probably jumped off a cliff if she’d asked you if you thought it was a worthwhile punishment.
That you aren’t even sure you want her to have you back, and that you are now returning home to face what’s left of your life there is all a good sign for you. Whatever happened, and whatever people in your life, and reading this, may think of you, everything you have said on this blog suggests to me you are a good person. You’re just a good person that fucked up. And good people fuck up all the time. It’s because humans are not invincible and nothing is ever black and white.
I adore C and believe we could build a beautiful partnership from this. I’m willing to do the work. She’s not. The choice has always been hers to make.
I cannot make her be somewhere she doesn’t want to be.
Hugs all round. Can you accept that?
Hug? Not officially for another 13 Days. However, you can send me a pic of the next pie you eat.
Sorry. My response made no sense. I meant can you accept that C may not want to have that conversation and this as far as reconciliation may ever get.
I’m pretty much at that point now. It became obvious back in January. And seriously, based on what has happened, I don’t think she would reconcile even if it is what she wants.
I would have the conversation but I don’t think she is capable of doing what would be required to even have a conversation about reconciliation.
Acceptance is the solution to all my problems today.
Well said NYAG! And we both know how much I love Esther Perel. Thanks to your award I found this blog – I am excited to find out more!
My pleasure. 🙂
Thanks NYAG. It isn’t black and white but we want it to be…hence armchair psychology and labels.
It will work out but as long as I allow shame and manipulation to drive my decisions I will never regain my self-respect or power.
The only way through the pain is through the pain. I’m committed to no big changes in the first 12 months after the trauma of discovery day.
I’m so grateful I don’t have to live with this shame. I can no longer be blackmailed or bullied.
It’s a good feeling.