56: A Fool’s Tale: Betrayal (Redux)

The fastest way to freedom is to feel your feelings.

Gita Bellin

I awoke from a dream last night with tears and crystal clear understanding.

I betrayed C. C betrayed me. That is true but not the truth.

More significantly, C betrayed herself.

By deleting every picture of us together over the last seven years, by folding the narrative to make herself a victim, by allowing others to define her life with me, by denying herself the right to talk to me angrily and honestly, and by pretending everything around our life together is a con, she denied her heart’s experience.

One of my vows to her was to never make her live with limits. To not put her in a box and trap her. To stand with her.

By betraying herself she has built a prison far more damaging than anything I could have done. More vulnerability, not less, is the only way to heal a broken heart. A vulnerability with intent.

I know, because my betrayal locked up my heart too.

Betrayal of others filled me with shame; it is a solitary confinement and Shame is the warden.

However, the betrayal of myself is a different and far lonelier prison and one I lived in. I know now the fastest way to freedom is to feel and express my feelings. Use vulnerability as the axe and pick and shovel and use the tools to tear down the walls instead of building them.

I cry for her pain but know only she can free herself.

Love Letters to a Healing Heart

Vile and ingrate! too late thou shalt repent. The base Injustice thou hast done my Love: Yes, thou shalt know, spite of thy past Distress, And all those Ills which thou so long hast mourn’d; Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a Furylike a Woman scorn‘d.

William Congreve 1670-1729

I betrayed C.

It’s time I admit, C betrayed me too.

Anyone that has made the time to read my blog knows I selfishly slept with K breaking my vows to C.

They’ve also seen repeatedly I’ve focused on owning it, are aware of the shame and remorse I carried every moment over my infidelity, secret-keeping, and escalating series of lies.

They also know for over 13 months I didn’t see K in an attempt to break it off. I did all of this knowing I was trying to get myself out…

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