37: April 22
That will be the day. Earth Day.
I’ve crossed a lot of bridges over the last 90 days.
However, April 22 is the day I have in my head to cross the last bridge away from the past to the future. It isn’t arbitrary. The date has personal significance. It is important to me my heart remains open to possibilities until that day.
However, I learned more things today about myself, my exile, and others resulting in me feeling like I need to rush across the bridge.
But as much as I want to be finished, to move on, to be over it, and let go I recognize there is important and meaningful pain that shouldn’t be skipped or ignored. Through the pain is the only way through the pain. It is the only way to uncover the lessons and the meaning.
Today it has been 90 days and I’ve done as much as can reasonably be expected. According to my friends more than reasonable. At no point have I blamed anyone for my betrayal and secret keeping. I’ve tried to take responsibility for my actions and am willing to face the consequences.
I talked with a friend recently and he said, “Sean you’re a goofy fucker. Every guy I know would say ‘Fuck her.’ You actually want to make it right.” I’m doing what I can and if others think it is an act, pathetic, weak, or a pathology so be it. Their own biases and blind spots do not define me.
In reality, I’m facing my life with courage and vulnerability. I’m open to the possibilities. If that seems silly, naive or romantic to others so be it. Only courage and vulnerability will allow me to grow, change, and love. Although I may love imperfectly, these are the same qualities that allow me to love people, ideas, and places passionately and deeply.
When I care I care. Lack of empathy isn’t the problem.
I’m going to be in The City of Bridges next week. While in Pittsburgh every bridge will be a reminder of where I am heading next. It will serve as a reminder of where I have been and where I am going. I’m finished pursuing forgiveness, acceptance, or love, regardless of what my broken heart wants.
I’ll be in Pittsburgh working, dancing, and pursuing the relationships bringing warmth to my life and aren’t fools trying to set me on fire for winter sport. I’ll spend time with people that act like what I need and want matters and won’t make me guess what they need and want.
It’s been 90 days of accusations, whispers, rumormongering, and ghost stories that have no connection with the reality of my betrayal, what I’ve done since, or who I am. It has been 90 days of silence, judgment, and fearmongering.
I’m not across the bridge yet but I’m more than halfway and for the first time in 90 days, now I’m in a hurry.
I’m almost there…
As well as the people who were directly involved, you’ve been dealing with all the people who have taken sides without hearing the full story. And they are often worse than dealing with the people who were affected. You’ve had a lot to contend with. This will make you a better person, believe me. Experiences are all character forming no matter how awful they are. You will learn from this. You see things in a different way now, that is not a bad thing.
That’s NYAG. I’ve got this.