"Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What I know now after nearly two years of counseling is no one deserves anything. We are not entitled to happiness, comfort, safety, or even the truth or honesty. We are owed nothing. The only right we have with other people is to leave. We choose to stay, we choose to leave, but it is still our choice.
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When I saw Esther Perel’s continuum summarizing a Relationship Accountability Spectrum, I was like, “Holy FUCK! Ghosting?! That is exactly what has happened over the last year! That is what she did! That is how I feel and behave! I’m not crazy or irrational!”
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My vow was simple: I’ll take any slings and arrows. I promise I’ll be there. We are partners and I’ll always share everything I have with you. I’ll protect you and keep you safe.
My vow came with a white horse and silver bullets for every problem.
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The moment I awoke to the reality that © doesn’t care about me, our life, or our future, I am free. I am free to go dancing. I am free to walk into any place and order a beer. Free to ask a friend that loves me, accepts my Ugly, and hasn’t run, to dance with me.
Read More 153.03: The Pattern (Part 3)
Read More136: Forgotten
I’ve spent much time and energy focused on my Ugly and working through my pain and loss. As such, I’ve stopped examining what was beautiful and good. It has created a myopic and unbalanced perspective on Our lives.
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118: Thoughts on Forgiveness and Clemency
I realize, like so much, I have been approaching this wrong: I’ve been seeking forgiveness from C, that is selfish. Is it any wonder C is still pissed?
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I awoke from a nightmare at 4 am. C was dating again. Dancing with another man. Laughing at me. Mocking me. Flashing the smile I love towards another man. Ignoring me but still watching me.
I woke up jealous. Tearful. Heartbroken.
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It is entirely likely she looked at the totality of our relationship and decided there was nothing of value to salvage.
As such, ghosting makes perfect sense.
No wonder I’m not sleeping.
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Eventually our pain will fade & our life together will become simply a footnote in our hearts.
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